A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I already tried new things thanks.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!