Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
This hospital has everything
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*watches the world burn*