1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle