Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.