Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL