If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.