Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA