Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
S/o to @funTweeters .
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
True?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?