I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips