*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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Beware of fowl play.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Ah yes. The three genders
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad