I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster