*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*