“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching