You Might Also Like
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.