I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.