Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
You Might Also Like
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.