Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
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I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.