goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?