Yeah. This was me today.
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Okay me first
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan