One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.