Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My favorite female superhero
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Seems a bit forward
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.