“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
what the hell pray for carter everyone
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash