FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match