That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
This made me chuckle.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.