So, can we agree on 4 or
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.