I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You Might Also Like
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Born to be mild.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Saturday
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.