What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
this chia pet tastes awful
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious