Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
🤣😂
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
best first i’ve ever seen
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.