I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
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