I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You Might Also Like
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones