If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Otters see a butterfly.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.