i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I want what they have
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.