men are simple creatures
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.