Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
hi why am I like this
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics