Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.