Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Clients after you give them your rates
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The Friday File.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.