NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars