Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
catch me on valentine’s day like
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Is this you?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.