Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep