[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.