Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
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me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.