5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
This probably isn’t good
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
☺️
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey