*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
$4 #usedbooks
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
there will never be a funnier headline than this one