Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend