Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Terribly Tuesday.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .