[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
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[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
guilty
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.