I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.