waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You Might Also Like
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.