I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Uh oh…
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*