If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho